Saying Good-Bye!

Hey friends! Sorry I haven’t posted in such a long time. I am realizing how bad I am at posting. I am trying to be better than I have been in the past. So, to a new start I thought it would be best to post about my new recent adventure. Not such a good one, but still one at that.

As some of you may know I was in the Army. I loved everything about it, but one of the reasons I joined was because of my uncle, Patrick. He and I are so much alike in our adventureous adrenaline filled ways that when he joined it seemed like the right thing to do. I was seeing and hearing about so many of the cool things he was doing, places he was seeing, and the friendships he was making. I wanted that for myself and my girls. So, I joined! Honestly though, this is not about me, this is about him!

September 11 came and my uncle was deployed. The things that he had to do and things he seen were so bad I can’t even put into words unless you were there and seen or done said things. Anyone that has been deployed and seen the things that were done understand why they were done and what they were, it is too hard to put into words that wouldn’t be too graphic for anyone to read. I know you have seen the news and some of you have learned about what happened to so many men and women. My uncle had done more than just the one deployment. He did multiple! He was in a major explosion that damaged his hands and his arms. Needless to say my uncle has PTSD so badly that he began to drink his emotions and thoughts away. You see, when my uncle retired from the military (like many of us) they forget about him. You outprocess and you are no longer a part of the “family”, so you no longer have the help that you need. My uncle began to drink so much to numb the thoughts within that he became very depend on the “escape”! The VA never really followed up or took him serious when he stated he was having mental health issues. Would forget all about him, not help him with his mental health issues. Never offered counseling or any other form of help.

Patrick drinks/drank so much to numb the pain he was feeling mentally and physically that he is now in end stage liver failure. His other organs are failing him so badly that he is in and out of the hospital due to an organ failing or uncontrollable bleeding from almost every single oraface in his body, his blood doesn’t clot like it should. The doctors have given him days and somehow he continues to show them doctors up. I don’t think he is finished in life, he has unfinished business to be offered these many chances in life. I am greatful for him being allotted all these chances and extra time, but I also feel like it is hurting him more and more. The VA will put him through “detox” a million and one times, but wont help him with any kind of actual help. What sense does that even make? It hurts my soul so much to not be able to help him and that the VA doesn’t care enough to help him in the way that he needs to be helped.

I went through all the testing to be able to donate a portion of my liver to my uncle, I am a match, however, they wont allow me to donate due to the condition that he is in. I am not a doctor, but there has to be something that they can do! Right? I don’t know I just feel like he deserves better. He use to be my hero, I use to look up to him and be envious of all the option and potential he had. He was a Drill Sergeant, which is something that I would have loved to be able to do. But now, now my uncle is someone I don’t even recognize and he is in so much pain. Why can’t someone help him. Why didn’t the VA do something to help him instead of everyone enabling him to continue to drink his pain away to only cause more pain and damage.

If you knew Patrick the way I did, your heart would be broken as well. I call him “Patricia” because he use to be such a diva and we would argue and fight about some of the strangest things, but now he is not the same. I just came home to say my final goodbye to him because I know that there wouldn’t be another chance to say good-bye. That broke my heart. I feel like everyone that is around him including the doctors and family are only condoning and not helping. He has an illness now, an alcholic, due to self medicating and no one is trying to help. That’s how I feel anyway. When he’s not in a hospital bed trying to fight to stay alive, he is wanting to make the pain go away and the only way he knows how is to drink.

I have seen alcoholism my entire life, but I understand Patrick’s need to self medicate. There are some people that I know or some of you that may read this and think it would and should be easy for him to just stop drinking, well you are wrong. If it was so easy for someone to stop I am sure he would. I really do wish people would understand what goes through his brain and then the physical pain from the damage he has caused by drinking, you might understand more. I know I am just ranting and probably not making much sense at all, but I was totally overwhelmed when I went home to see him. Prior to me leaving the Middle East to come see him, he was in the hospital so bad that he wasn’t even able to hold the phone or speak. The doctors and nurses were very nervous about this last hospital trip due to the state that he was in. But, like always he pulls enough strength to go back home where he feels more comfortable. But I know his time is limited this time. While I was home the ambulance had to take him to the hospital again, but once again he came home one more time.

He is unable to have any kind of donation because his other organs wouldn’t be able to handle the surgery, so it’s now just a waiting game. A waiting game of his pain and the pain that it is causing my grandma, me, and other family member. We all remember Patrick as Bad ass in the green barret and now he barely has the energy to walk around upstairs. He is so thin, so sickly looking, and in so much pain. It is such a complicated ball of emotions for everyone.

The sacrifices he made for this country and his career has caused a life long level of pain and destruction. I have some family members around him that are so irritated by his actions and how their time is interrupted by his actions, but they don’t understand, they never could or would. Maybe because I understand what he went through I can understand him more. Either way, I just wish I had my uncle back. I wish there was better mental health help for soldiers, or anyone that needs it. But, we don’t.

So, I said my good-bye, my final good-bye and it broke my heart. We sat and reminisced about military, the past, and what he wants for me in the future. Even when he barely has enough fight in him, he still wants me to keep on keeping on. So, that’s what I am going to do for him and I will see him again one day.

Uncle Patrick, thank you for teaching me to be tough! Thank you for teaching me to never give up and keep pushing to reach the goals I set for myself! Thank you for being an adventours, adrenaline filled, spontaneous friend! I am so sorry that the VA and many other services failed you and you felt the only way to get rid of the “monsters” within was to drink them away. I am sorry that I am not able to help you more, and find a solution to make it all better. I hope you know how much I looked up to you and admired you, I sure will miss you.

I wish I knew a way to fix the mental health program for soldiers that have done and seen the things we all see. Some see things that you could never imagine and they are just left out into the world like what they did or seen is normal. Some it affects worse than others, and those are the ones that need a different kind of help to handle and deal with what is on constant replay in their minds. Convicts are released from prison and go through an entire process to learn how to live with the real world, but someone that fights for their country and the ablility to sleep warm and safe in their beds are unable to receive help. Excuses I have heard was convicts are helped more so they do not become reoffenders, what kind of BS is that. I am sorry but the system is so crazy I don’t even know how to understand it. Someone that causes harm to others, does illegal acts, heinous crimes they are treated better than men and women that go through things to protect these criminals. I think it is wrong. I think there needs to be a mandated program to help soldiers, like my uncle.

So guys if there is anyone that is in your family, blood relatives or chosen family, please help them. Please understand they are going through something you can’t understand and honestly it is not your business to understand, just be there for them. Help them, love them, and be considerate of what they are going through.

I love you uncle Pat. You are my hero and you have fought long and hard enough. I will see you again!

Xoxo,

Heather